This Is Jeopardy--Second Segment
Alex: And we're back. And now let's take a moment to meet our contests. [Looks at index card.] Amanda, it says here that you have several unique musical talents. Care to share those with us?
Amanda [blushing]: Okay. I can play anything by Tchaikovsky on my violin. And I can do it blindfolded as well. [Crowd gasps appreciatively.]
Alex: Anything else?
Amanda: Oh, and I can play the banjo with my toes. [Crowd bursts into applause.]
Alex: Well, I'll have to have you entertain at my house sometime. [Crowd laughs.] Timmy, quick spell pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism.
Timmy [swelling with pride]: Oh that's easy. P-S-E-U-D-O-P-S-E-U-D-O-H-Y-P-O-P-A-R-A-T-H-Y-R-O-I-D-I-S-M. It is an inherited disorder that closely resembles--
Alex: No definitions please. We've got a game to play. [Coolly] And Quincy. It says here that you have a knack for games.
Quincy: That's right, Alex. I never lose. At anything.
Alex: Well at 900 in the negative, you've got a long way to go.
Quincy: Cake, Alex. If this were Indonesia in the 1860s, this little game wouldn't be over until I had decapitated my opponents. [Everyone is stunned silent.]
Alex [after a pause]: Well then, Timmy, you have control of the board. Where would you like to take us?
Timmy: Cartoons for $100.
Alex: Super genius. [Timmy buzzes in.] Timmy?
Timmy: Who is Wile E. Coyote?
Alex: Right.
Timmy: Cartoons for $200.
Alex: The most popular girl in this blue-faced town. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda.
Amanda: Who is Smurfette?
Alex: Yes. [Quincy begins reading a magazine. The crowd titters.]
Amanda: Pop music for $500.
Alex: The name of this glam rocker's alter ego is Ziggy. [Quincy buzzes in.] Quincy?
Quincy [absently, still reading his magazine]: Who's David Bowie?
Alex [surprised]: Correct!
Quincy: Video games for five.
Alex: For 500. This early Atari game featured a dot on a quest to collect a golden cup while being chased by a red, yellow, and green dragon. [Quincy buzzes in.] Quincy?
Quincy: What is Pac Man?
Alex: No. [Amanda and Timmy do not respond. Three beeps sound.] The answer was What is Adventure? Quincy, select.
Quincy: Prezzes for five.
Alex: This is what the S in Harry S. Truman's name stands for. [Quincy buzzes in.] Quincy?
Quincy: What is Sanford?
Alex: No. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda?
Amanda: What is nothing?
Alex: Very good. That's right.
Amanda: Um, Capital Cities for $100.
Alex: In this romantic capital, you can view the Arc de Triomphe and the Louvre. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda?
Amanda: What is Paris?
Alex: Yes.
Amanda: Capitals for $200.
[Quincy is now slumped against his score stand and is audibly snoring. Over the microphone, it sounds like a combination of rushing water and paper being slowly torn.]
Alex: Capitals in just a moment. Now, let's move to commercial. We'll be right back. [The crowd cautiously begins clapping.]
Director: Annnnnnnd . . . commercial!
Alex: Somebody wake that fucking kid up!
[The crowd gasps.]
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Chapter 7
This Is Jeopardy!--First Segment
Announcer: Welcome to the Child Prodigy Edition of this is Jeopardy! Let's meet our contestants! From Santa Ana, California, nine-year-old Amanda Barth! [Clapping] From Jacksonville, Florida, six-year-old Timmy Baggins! [Clapping] And from Boulder, Colorado, eight-year-old Quincy Capers! [Clapping] And nowwwwww . . . Alex Trebek!
[Alex Trebek walks onstage, waving first at the contestants and then at the crowd. Raucous applause.]
Alex: Welcome. This is the second segment of our Child Prodigy Edition. And here are our topics. Capital Cities. Video Games. Cartoons. Presidents. Pop Music. And Poker Celebrities. Amanda, you have been randomly chosen to select first.
Amanda: Pop Music for $100.
Alex: This band sings about buying a drink, falling down, getting up again, and buying another drink. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda.
Amanda: Who is Chumbawumba?
Alex: That's right. Select.
Amanda: Pop Music for $200.
Alex: After this band's lead singer went insane, David Gilmour replaced him, and the band went on to produce Dark Side of the Moon. [Quincy buzzes in.] Quincy.
Quincy: Who gives a shit? [The crowd laughs uncomfortably.]
Alex [stunned]: I'm sorry. That is not correct. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda.
Amanda: Who is Pink Floyd?
Alex: Yes.
Amanda: Pop music for $300.
Alex: This musician was the first member of the Beatles to die after their breakup. [Quincy buzzes in. Alex is hesitant.] Quincy?
Quincy: Who is David Gilmour?
Alex: No. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda?
Amanda: Who is John Lennon?
Alex: Yes.
Amanda: Music for $400?
Alex: The Material Girl. [Quincy buzzes in. Icily:] Quincy.
Quincy: Who is Clay Aiken?
Alex: Not correct. [Timmy buzzes in.] Timmy?
Timmy: Madonna.
Alex: Correct. And here are the scores. Amanda leads with $600, Timmy is close with $400, and Quincy is in third with negative nine hundred. We'll be right back.
[Applause. The director says, "Two minute commercial break, folks!" Murmuring in the audience. Alex Trebek is glaring at Quincy Capers.]
Alex: Hey kid, what do you think you're doing?
Quincy: What.
Alex: The joke answers. This is a competition. Knock it off.
Quincy: Don't worry, Alex. I'm going to take it down. I'm just giving these dinks a head start. [Amanda rolls her eyes, sighs loudly.] Can I give you a suggestion?
Alex [testily]: What's that?
Quincy: You should've put me up against adults. A doctor and a professor. This competition is going to be like wiping my ass with a couple of bunny rabbits.
Director: And we're back in five . . . four . . . [He holds up three fingers, then two, then one, and then he points at Alex.]
Announcer: Welcome to the Child Prodigy Edition of this is Jeopardy! Let's meet our contestants! From Santa Ana, California, nine-year-old Amanda Barth! [Clapping] From Jacksonville, Florida, six-year-old Timmy Baggins! [Clapping] And from Boulder, Colorado, eight-year-old Quincy Capers! [Clapping] And nowwwwww . . . Alex Trebek!
[Alex Trebek walks onstage, waving first at the contestants and then at the crowd. Raucous applause.]
Alex: Welcome. This is the second segment of our Child Prodigy Edition. And here are our topics. Capital Cities. Video Games. Cartoons. Presidents. Pop Music. And Poker Celebrities. Amanda, you have been randomly chosen to select first.
Amanda: Pop Music for $100.
Alex: This band sings about buying a drink, falling down, getting up again, and buying another drink. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda.
Amanda: Who is Chumbawumba?
Alex: That's right. Select.
Amanda: Pop Music for $200.
Alex: After this band's lead singer went insane, David Gilmour replaced him, and the band went on to produce Dark Side of the Moon. [Quincy buzzes in.] Quincy.
Quincy: Who gives a shit? [The crowd laughs uncomfortably.]
Alex [stunned]: I'm sorry. That is not correct. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda.
Amanda: Who is Pink Floyd?
Alex: Yes.
Amanda: Pop music for $300.
Alex: This musician was the first member of the Beatles to die after their breakup. [Quincy buzzes in. Alex is hesitant.] Quincy?
Quincy: Who is David Gilmour?
Alex: No. [Amanda buzzes in.] Amanda?
Amanda: Who is John Lennon?
Alex: Yes.
Amanda: Music for $400?
Alex: The Material Girl. [Quincy buzzes in. Icily:] Quincy.
Quincy: Who is Clay Aiken?
Alex: Not correct. [Timmy buzzes in.] Timmy?
Timmy: Madonna.
Alex: Correct. And here are the scores. Amanda leads with $600, Timmy is close with $400, and Quincy is in third with negative nine hundred. We'll be right back.
[Applause. The director says, "Two minute commercial break, folks!" Murmuring in the audience. Alex Trebek is glaring at Quincy Capers.]
Alex: Hey kid, what do you think you're doing?
Quincy: What.
Alex: The joke answers. This is a competition. Knock it off.
Quincy: Don't worry, Alex. I'm going to take it down. I'm just giving these dinks a head start. [Amanda rolls her eyes, sighs loudly.] Can I give you a suggestion?
Alex [testily]: What's that?
Quincy: You should've put me up against adults. A doctor and a professor. This competition is going to be like wiping my ass with a couple of bunny rabbits.
Director: And we're back in five . . . four . . . [He holds up three fingers, then two, then one, and then he points at Alex.]
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Chapter 6
Quincy, age eight, about to walk onto the set of Jeopardy! as a contestant in the show's week-long child-prodigy segment
Quincy waits in the green room. He is sitting on a sofa across from his two enemies, a nine-year-old girl in braces who can play any Led Zeppelin song on her violin, and a six-year-old boy who won this year's national spelling bee in the ages 12 and under division.
His winning word? Pneumonectomy.
To Quincy, they seem too much at ease, a little too self-satisfied about their premature success.
"Hey shitheads," he says.
They stare at him.
"I'm gonna take you down, shitheads," he says.
Nothing but widening eyeballs from them.
"You flew here with Mommy and Daddy?"
The girl nods.
"I came here on my own."
The boy shrugs.
"Skippy here probably came with his Mommy and his Daddy."
Still nothing. He isn't getting anywhere.
"You watch, shitheads," he says. "When you're under the bright lights, you watch. I'm gonna take you both down." Eyeballs. "You could dump gasoline over my head and set me on fire and I would still keep coming. I'd give you both a big bear hug and take you both down with me. Burn unit, three incoming."
A man with a clipboard pokes his head in the door. "Okay kids, ready? We're on in two minutes. Let's get you to your places. Follow me."
His head disappears for a moment. Quincy says, "Charred skin smells like burnt peanuts."
They get up, the girl a little shakily, and follow the clipboard to the stage.
Quincy waits in the green room. He is sitting on a sofa across from his two enemies, a nine-year-old girl in braces who can play any Led Zeppelin song on her violin, and a six-year-old boy who won this year's national spelling bee in the ages 12 and under division.
His winning word? Pneumonectomy.
To Quincy, they seem too much at ease, a little too self-satisfied about their premature success.
"Hey shitheads," he says.
They stare at him.
"I'm gonna take you down, shitheads," he says.
Nothing but widening eyeballs from them.
"You flew here with Mommy and Daddy?"
The girl nods.
"I came here on my own."
The boy shrugs.
"Skippy here probably came with his Mommy and his Daddy."
Still nothing. He isn't getting anywhere.
"You watch, shitheads," he says. "When you're under the bright lights, you watch. I'm gonna take you both down." Eyeballs. "You could dump gasoline over my head and set me on fire and I would still keep coming. I'd give you both a big bear hug and take you both down with me. Burn unit, three incoming."
A man with a clipboard pokes his head in the door. "Okay kids, ready? We're on in two minutes. Let's get you to your places. Follow me."
His head disappears for a moment. Quincy says, "Charred skin smells like burnt peanuts."
They get up, the girl a little shakily, and follow the clipboard to the stage.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Chapter 5
Flashback to Quincy's Early Days; Quincy Interacts with his Mother while Playing $25/50 NL 6-max on Stars
Mother [from her bedroom]: Quincy dear.
[Quincy checkraises a queen-high rainbow pot with 5 3 offsuit. Prahlad Friedman shoves. Quincy folds in disgust.]
Mother: Quincy dear!
Quincy: Yeah, Mom.
Mother: Could you get your mother a fresh glass of water? It's [coughs] medication time again.
[Quincy is tilting. He raises 10 7 of diamonds from under the gun. He is immediately reraised and the button calls. He snapcalls and spits at the 5 5 4 flop.]
Mother: Quincy dear!
Quincy: Yeah, Mom!
Mother: Water please!
Quincy: Mom, I just lost over a thousand dollars!
Mother: Oh Quincy, you and your games. Just get your mother a glass of--
Quincy: This is for real, Mom!
Mother [sighs]: One of these days you're going to have to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Games are games. It's not as if you lost one thousand dollars. Try to remember that.
Quincy: My roll is down to eighteen thousand!
Mother [sternly]: Water, Quincy. Now.
[He punches his laptop screen and the colors momentarily run funny. Then he heads off to the kitchen to get a glass of ice water for his crazy mother.]
Mother [from her bedroom]: Quincy dear.
[Quincy checkraises a queen-high rainbow pot with 5 3 offsuit. Prahlad Friedman shoves. Quincy folds in disgust.]
Mother: Quincy dear!
Quincy: Yeah, Mom.
Mother: Could you get your mother a fresh glass of water? It's [coughs] medication time again.
[Quincy is tilting. He raises 10 7 of diamonds from under the gun. He is immediately reraised and the button calls. He snapcalls and spits at the 5 5 4 flop.]
Mother: Quincy dear!
Quincy: Yeah, Mom!
Mother: Water please!
Quincy: Mom, I just lost over a thousand dollars!
Mother: Oh Quincy, you and your games. Just get your mother a glass of--
Quincy: This is for real, Mom!
Mother [sighs]: One of these days you're going to have to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Games are games. It's not as if you lost one thousand dollars. Try to remember that.
Quincy: My roll is down to eighteen thousand!
Mother [sternly]: Water, Quincy. Now.
[He punches his laptop screen and the colors momentarily run funny. Then he heads off to the kitchen to get a glass of ice water for his crazy mother.]
Friday, January 23, 2009
Chapter 4
Flashback to Quincy Capers in Bed at Midnight at age 10
[Quincy]: So what is masturbation?
[Starts playing with his belly button to find out.]
[Quincy]: So what is masturbation?
[Starts playing with his belly button to find out.]
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Chapter 3
Flashforward to 2007: Quincy Capers playing Phil Hellmuth in a $100/$200 Limit Hand on Ultimate Bet
Holdem (1 on 1) Normal $100/$200 - 2007-06-20 04:15:23 (ET)
Table: FIR AVE (Real Money) Seat #4 is the dealer
Seat 4 - PHILHELLMUTH ($3315 in chips)
Seat 6 - QUINCYCAPERS! ($9416 in chips)
PHILHELLMUTH - Posts small blind $50
QUINCYCAPERS! - Posts big blind $100
*** POCKET CARDS ***
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $150 to $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $100 to $300
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $100 to $400
QUINCYCAPERS! - Calls $100
*** FLOP ***
[Ac 3d Ks]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $100
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $100 to $200
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $100 to $300
QUINCYCAPERS! - Calls
*** TURN ***
[Ac 3d Ks] [6h]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $400
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $200 to $600
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $800
*** RIVER ***
[Ac 3d Ks] [6h] [5c]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $400
PHILHELLMUTH: You have got to be kidding me.
QUINCYCAPERS!: Hi.
PHILHELLMUTH: Dumbest person alive maybe.
QUINCYCAPERS!: QuincyCapers!
PHILHELLMUTH: Keep running into these 19-year-old luckboxes.
QUINCYCAPERS!: 11.
PHILHELLMUTH: Probably are.
QUINCYCAPERS!: $?
PHILHELLMUTH - Calls $200
*** SHOWDOWN ***
QUINCYCAPERS! - Shows [4h 2h] (Straight)
PHILHELLMUTH - Mucks
QUINCYCAPERS! Collects $3,799 from main pot
PHILHELLMUTH: Lose with top set to a kid who watches the Flintstones.
QUINCYCAPERS!: Spongebob!
Holdem (1 on 1) Normal $100/$200 - 2007-06-20 04:15:23 (ET)
Table: FIR AVE (Real Money) Seat #4 is the dealer
Seat 4 - PHILHELLMUTH ($3315 in chips)
Seat 6 - QUINCYCAPERS! ($9416 in chips)
PHILHELLMUTH - Posts small blind $50
QUINCYCAPERS! - Posts big blind $100
*** POCKET CARDS ***
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $150 to $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $100 to $300
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $100 to $400
QUINCYCAPERS! - Calls $100
*** FLOP ***
[Ac 3d Ks]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $100
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $100 to $200
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $100 to $300
QUINCYCAPERS! - Calls
*** TURN ***
[Ac 3d Ks] [6h]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $400
PHILHELLMUTH - Raises $200 to $600
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $800
*** RIVER ***
[Ac 3d Ks] [6h] [5c]
QUINCYCAPERS! - Checks
PHILHELLMUTH - Bets $200
QUINCYCAPERS! - Raises $200 to $400
PHILHELLMUTH: You have got to be kidding me.
QUINCYCAPERS!: Hi.
PHILHELLMUTH: Dumbest person alive maybe.
QUINCYCAPERS!: QuincyCapers!
PHILHELLMUTH: Keep running into these 19-year-old luckboxes.
QUINCYCAPERS!: 11.
PHILHELLMUTH: Probably are.
QUINCYCAPERS!: $?
PHILHELLMUTH - Calls $200
*** SHOWDOWN ***
QUINCYCAPERS! - Shows [4h 2h] (Straight)
PHILHELLMUTH - Mucks
QUINCYCAPERS! Collects $3,799 from main pot
PHILHELLMUTH: Lose with top set to a kid who watches the Flintstones.
QUINCYCAPERS!: Spongebob!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Chapter 2
Flashback to Quincy, Age Six, Playing Risk Against Himself
Quincy at the Risk warboard, ruling them all separately yet simultaneously.
Blue Army = America, led by Bill Clinton
Red Army = Russia, led by Stalin
Green Army = England, led by Queen Elizabeth
Black Army = Harlem, led by Jesse Jackson
Brown Army = Germany, led by Hitler
Yellow Army = France, led by a mime holding up a white flag
Not only does Quincy give each individual player his own strategy, fears, and goals, he also slips into his skin like a doppelganger.
Bill Clinton [as he attacks France]: Don't consider this an attack. It's simply our way of integrating into your beautiful society.
[French Mime holds up white flag and is instantly and utterly destroyed by America, to Quincy's sheer glee.]
Hitler: We will not stand for such open American aggression! [Captures Poland.]
Jesse Jackson: We are a peaceful people, but if confronted by a superior force, we will defend ourselves by any means necessary.
[Stalin captures Jesse Jackson and sells him into slavery.]
Queen Elizabeth: How unbecoming.
Sometimes Bill Clinton wins, but more often than not Stalin or Hitler comes through to dominate the planet. Jesse Jackson won once, almost by mistake. Queen Elizabeth, content to sip her tea, never so much as tries to capture another territory. Meanwhile, the French roll nothing but ones and twos, losing every single battle, never even killing a single enemy foot soldier.
Quincy has learned advanced poker strategy from these early Risk games.
Attack ruthlessly. Always maintain your aggressiveness.
And most important, think and behave in every way like a dictator.
Quincy at the Risk warboard, ruling them all separately yet simultaneously.
Blue Army = America, led by Bill Clinton
Red Army = Russia, led by Stalin
Green Army = England, led by Queen Elizabeth
Black Army = Harlem, led by Jesse Jackson
Brown Army = Germany, led by Hitler
Yellow Army = France, led by a mime holding up a white flag
Not only does Quincy give each individual player his own strategy, fears, and goals, he also slips into his skin like a doppelganger.
Bill Clinton [as he attacks France]: Don't consider this an attack. It's simply our way of integrating into your beautiful society.
[French Mime holds up white flag and is instantly and utterly destroyed by America, to Quincy's sheer glee.]
Hitler: We will not stand for such open American aggression! [Captures Poland.]
Jesse Jackson: We are a peaceful people, but if confronted by a superior force, we will defend ourselves by any means necessary.
[Stalin captures Jesse Jackson and sells him into slavery.]
Queen Elizabeth: How unbecoming.
Sometimes Bill Clinton wins, but more often than not Stalin or Hitler comes through to dominate the planet. Jesse Jackson won once, almost by mistake. Queen Elizabeth, content to sip her tea, never so much as tries to capture another territory. Meanwhile, the French roll nothing but ones and twos, losing every single battle, never even killing a single enemy foot soldier.
Quincy has learned advanced poker strategy from these early Risk games.
Attack ruthlessly. Always maintain your aggressiveness.
And most important, think and behave in every way like a dictator.
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